There are times in this artistic life that I am afforded the luxury of getting paid for work that I’ve created, watching it head off to far and distant forever homes. Last week I had the privilege of sending a canvas print all the way over to the South of France to an excited new collector. A total thrill! Times like there are so wonderful, so uplifting and really reassuring not to mention financially rewarding.

There are other times when I get to plan for bigger painting projects such as mural works in commercial spaces or at schools where I get to work to a bit of a brief in the designing stages, before launching into some full body working out to create large scale paintings. These times also feel like a huge privilege and honour and are great for getting my excitement and motivation on the up! I'm looking forward to commencing a new mural project in the next few weeks, so keep an eye out for progress posts soon enough.

​There are times where I get to put my teacher’s hat back on and prepare my home studio for some workshop action, allowing others to come along with an open mind and be inspired to try some new approaches and be waited on as they indulge in some serious making time. My studio is like a little bubble, where time seems to stand still and we can forget about whatever else is going on in the world. 

​Then there is time for passion projects, and it’s been a whole year since I’ve worked on one. This time last year I was counting down to the launch of my most ambitious series ever; ‘Women of Colour’ - A series of 12 portrait paintings that I created over two whole years.  It officially opened on International Women’s Day and I organised a number of events to celebrate the series, to celebrate women of colourful substance and to inspire countless others. I wanted the series to be bold, colourful,and meaningful and to create positive change. The works each had a charity or NFP nominated by each subject (or fashion designer’s work depicted) and 20% of the works sold during the exhibition would be donated. The show was a great success with $5000 being donated to the various charities and I’ve never felt more proud of what I could achieve artistically, as I did at the opening and throughout the duration of the show. It was joyous, uplifting, inspiring, rewarding and quite overwhelming. I feel floaty when I think back to the magical moments I shared with those who came along to help me celebrate, to learn more about the subjects and the series and to just experience the 12 works hanging together. 

​I worked on this series in between mural projects and running workshops, I worked on the portraits when I wasn’t working on commissions or botanical works for retail spaces that show my work. I worked on these pieces on weekends where I missed out on spending time with my family and friends. I worked because I knew I had to reach the goal I had set for myself, because I knew the rewards would come if I did the work. I worked hard but it didn’t always feel like work. Each time I completed a portrait I felt immensely proud and closer to reaching my goal.
 
Much like exercise, you feel motivated when you see results but you also feel positive during the actual doing of the work. The endorphins kick in and we feel better for showing up. I find the same thing happens in creative work. Painting is quite meditative, as you focus on a point at the end of your paintbrush and this steadies the mind. When my ‘Women of Colour’ series ended and the show came down, I wanted to slow down and take some time to recalibrate. I didn’t throw myself into a new passion project, I just plodded along with jobs as they arose and held more workshops for keen creatives – but I didn’t have a passion project to keep coming back to in between jobs and my transition back into the slow lane took a lot longer than I thought it would.

​I’m now very much attempting to transition back into PASSION! To immerse myself with work that makes my heart sing. To keep showing up to do the work, knowing that it will once again reward myself and others.
 
The time has come again and I’m currently contacting a few inspiring subjects to consider sitting for portraits. The excitement levels are on the up as I await their responses and it feels good to have this purpose in my practice once again. There are many painting prizes to enter these new works into for 2019, another nice little incentive to get back on the portrait painting horse. But I still need the paid work to continue to float me as I work across both parts of my practice, so please keep me in mind with your own art collecting, mural projects or desire to come along to a workshop. I’ll always need the support of others and as needy as it might sound I need your encouragement. We all need encouragement.
 
You can show your support by purchasing one of the remaining post card packs from my ‘Women of Colour’ series which includes all 12 of the portaits I painted in glossy postcard form to fit a small picture frame or to spread a friendly message via the mail to your friends and loved ones.

Find them here.
 
I’ve also added a SALE category to my online shop with heavily reduced original works looking for forever homes. 
Find them here.
 
OR if you are considering coming along for a workshop at some stage this year, I’ve advertised a few dates in the coming months which you can register your interest for by sending me an email. 
 
Thank you as always for taking the time to read what I’m up to and for sharing the love with your kind comments and support.

​Let's get real.

This year I've made some rather deliberate decisions about where I see my life going. I've officially resigned from Education Queensland and the permanent position I had held for me over the past three years while I decided if I would or wouldn't return for a part time position when our little girl starts school next year!
PS. Where did that four years go?

Personal questions and decisions about whether or not we will grow our family and whether or not I could financially sustain this career in painting - were getting me down for many years, because I simply couldn't answer the question. I just don't know the answers, because I can't predict the future. No one can. But the more I tried to find the answers, the more lost I became. Life doesn't actually care about our best laid plans, because life generally does its own thing anyway, and you can either fight it or go with the flow. Making art is very much a reminder of this.

Devoting so much of my time over the past eight years to my creative passions, has taught me one very important lesson - to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. It's where the good stuff happens, the personal growth, the rewards, and the big life lessons. 

Since my 'Women of Colour' show came to an end in March, I actively took a big time out. I deactivated my personal Facebook account. I got back to spending more time with my family, to worrying less about deadlines and what my next project would be and I just sat in the uncertainty. I took on a 30 day sketch book challenge and shared some of the works. But I won't lie, I was uncomfortable, overwhelmed and pretty scared about what I was supposed to do next. The 'WOC' show went so well, I was somewhere new and scared to face what came next. But I reminded myself to sit with it, and not to force anything that wasn't the right fit. To trust that the right project or creative direction would make itself known and to just keep making art in the mean time.

In doing so I've made myself available to consider things I previously may have discounted, failed to see or simply wasn't open to. Public speaking has always been one of those 'things' for me. It scared me. I didn't think I needed to consider it. I didn't want to even entertain the idea. That is, until I did entertain the idea...for just a couple of minutes.

I've been invited on a number of occasions over the past few years to share my artistic story with high school students in class room settings and this has always been ok. After all, I stood in front of classroom groups for over 10 years as a teacher every day. I had the skills and experience. But then I found myself getting asked to come and speak to adults, and professionals in a variety of industries to share how I've turned my passion into a profession - and this is when I started to feel scared about saying yes. 

I noticed my body get tense, I'd start to sweat a bit and really felt like every fibre was screaming "No!". So instead of taking the easy road and saying no, I've been acknowledging it's scary and saying YES instead. In May of this year I delivered my very first 45 minute Key note speech at UQ for their annual Youth Alumni Conference. I wrote a speech to fit the brief, and hopefully interest an audience of post grads from fields so far from the Arts including Engineering, Business, Accounting, Marketing and even Law. I practised the delivery of my speech and timed it for over a week until I got it right and so by the time I delivered it I had absolutely nothing to fear. I wasn't nervous, I was just really excited to share what I'd worked so hard on. And guess what?

I nailed it! I really did!
It felt amazing, the audience responded so well and I had a line up of people straight after informing me of the many ways in which my speech spoke to them.

It was beautiful.

I was on a high and completely excited by this new found way to connect further with others. And preach CREATIVITY! 

I floated for weeks after on the buzz and felt like I'd just opened this whole new amazing bag of tricks and wanted to know when I would get to bring them out again. Now, I've wasted time in the past waiting for things. Waiting for some guy I had a crush on to notice me, waiting for the perfect teaching job in the perfect location to get offered to me, waiting for an amazing art gallery to email me an offer of a life time! These things just don't always happen because you want them to and waited patiently. It's a trap. Don't waste your time waiting for life to happen.

Having learnt these lessons in the past, I've proven to myself on more than one occasion that I can make my own destiny happen. I can put myself out there and create my own opportunities. I can put my hand up to do scary things that make me nervous, but turn out not to be so bad. Many of these things have in fact turned out to be quite liberating, empowering and have seen me grow and go onto new and better heights. Heights I hadn't even realised I wanted to get to.

So, long story short. I'm not waiting for more invitations to speak publicly, I'm going out and making my own events. Risky, I know! But exciting, because you have to start somewhere - so why not right here, where I am, with what I've got available.

For me that's Thursday August 2nd, at The Craft Parlour in Palm Beach on the Gold Coast from 6-7:30pm with:

'A Creative Pep Talk' followed by a Q&A.

I'm giving this talk in the hopes to inspire others to step up to their own creative potential. Be it a new creative past time, or revisiting an old one. Shaking up existing passions with new creative ways to reconnect ourselves to the act of creating. What I know is that I have in fact inspired so many people by merely sharing the ups and downs of this artistic pathway and I truly believe it has all come from devoting more time to the things that make me feel more like myself, to actively seeking out new challenges and continuing to choose excitement over fear. Life is really short, what's the point of living it if we let fear hold us back.

If you're on the Gold Coast and think this pep talk could speak to you, or maybe you just want to see me face this fear head on...then grab your $35 ticket from my online shop HERE and I'll look forward to seeing you then for some 'REAL' time talks and big hearted honesty.  

​I've also been getting more and more requests from fellow creatives to 'pick my brains' or meet for coffee to find out how I've got as far as I have. So this is that opportunity to pick my brains, I'll happily answer all of your questions, because I know it helps to seek these things out for ourselves and get motivated to put dreams into action!

I dare you all to get creative for yourselves. See what happens. Don't wait xx

P.S. To take the discomfort even further, I've posted my first ever blog documenting the overwhelm, and how I'm overcoming it. Watch it HERE if you have 7 minutes to spare.

​Happy end of financial year everyone! I’ve been excited to write that. Sad but true!
Because I’m finally FINALLY able to write this very special blog post, which is a round up of the total money raised and donated to various charities and NFPs - as nominated by the beautiful women who agreed to letting me paint their portrait and designs for my most recent solo exhibition and series ‘Women of Colour’.
 
The ‘Women of Colour’ series was my most ambitious solo to date. Two years in the making this vibrant collection of striking portraits saw me able to spotlight twelve fellow Australian creative women who have inspired myself - and countless others - in their fierce pursuit of a life lived in brilliant colour and bold substance. This array of ‘Art with Heart’ set out to celebrate cultural diversity and the gift that pursuing a life of creative contribution can bring while also raising awareness and money for 12 worthwhile charities and NFPS. Subjects included fellow artists, writers, dancers, fashion designers, musicians and social advocates from all parts of the country and each subject or designer was asked to nominate a charity or NFP close to their heart to see 20% of the original artwork price and purchased limited edition prints donated to.  

​Whilst the exhibition officially opened in March of this year for the physical showing of the 12 completed portrait works at Left Bank Gallery on the Gold Coast, I had made limited edition prints of the portraits available for sale with a further 20% of each print purchased going to each respective organisation from as far back as early 2017, so it’s very much been ongoing. I was so totally blown away to witness five of the twelve original portraits finding themselves forever homes at the opening night of the exhibition and in the weeks that followed after hoarding them for over a year and filling every empty wall in our very small mountain home. I simply could not be happier that these works as a collection made such a beautiful impact on the viewers that experienced them in one hit and my ability to spotlight the work of so many wonderful Australian women that truly are inspiring. Incredible things really do happen when women come together! The remaining works and prints were available on my online shop (and still are) but I wanted to finalise and tally up the final donations from print sales before the end of this financial year, particularly for the first works completed in the series and those which sold as originals. 
 
My decision to make this series of work a fundraising project, came about from a few motivating factors. While I certainly don’t make enough money from my practice to even pay tax, let alone claim any back (well not yet anyway!), I still ache to see my work making a real and positive impact on the communities of everyday Australians, from a range of diverse backgrounds and areas of need – because while it is all good and well to produce uplifting imagery to share in the world, I know the impact of art and my creative contribution can go further. My social conscience is very strong and I realised this even more so when I threw myself back into painting in 2010 and I’ve used my art many times since to raise awareness and funds for a number of causes, including the time I participated in ‘Shave for a Cure’ in 2013 raising over $10,000 for the Leaukeamia Foundation (you can read all about that here.)  
 
I don’t just create art because it feels good and I enjoy it, I also create art to communicate what is most important to me and what I want to see more of in the world. If I were limited to describing what that is in just a few words, than I’d have to say I want to see more ‘Colour, Creativity, Courage and Compassion’ in the world. There could never be enough.  My art doesn’t come from a place of pain or struggle, it comes largely from a place of gratitude, curiosity and hope and it’s the result of a lifetime experiencing creative encouragement and endless love from my family and community.  This doesn’t make me particularly special, but I'm certainly very fortunate and I’m using the privilege that my life grants me everyday, living here in this lucky country, loved, in a body that affords me an expanse of abilities and a desire to do more than is expected - to pay it forward with what I’ve got at hand.. Majority of us are in this position, with different actions and offerings to choose from. It’s all in the actual doing though and I implore everyone to do what you can, wherever you are, with whatever you've got, Because we are all connected and in this together.
 
The women who most inspire me are the courageous ones, the deep thinkers, the makers, the doers, the ones that dare to go against the crowd in the hope that they will get more from this short life and as a result their courage and action inspires others and even brings about positive change. I wanted to paint just a few of these women to share their contributions on the platforms I've created for myself, they are women I want to hear more from, and see more often in the media and women that I think others can take great inspiration from.. In fact I want to be one of those women! My art, my actions and dedication of time to this creative pursuit can also help to inspire others, I’ve seen this time and time again and it never fails to empower me. I’m always going to go the extra step, even when I know I should take a few less. Call me an over achiever perhaps, but I continue to feel motivated by my gratitude for this life of mine and it really all stems from there.  
 
Added to these very core reasons for doing what I’ve done with this series, I have to tell you candidly that I so often get approached about donating my artwork for various fundraising events, organisations and communities - many of which I know little about or have no experience or link to - which many artists would also have experienced and can very much relate to. While it is always flattering to have your work admired and thought of, I must admit I find it really overwhelming to be asked so frequently for donations of original artwork. It happens at least once per month, and if I added up the value of the works I’ve donated in total over the past 20 years I would easily have hit more than my current annual income. I don't know how many people can say they donated a year's worth of income to charity. It would be of no great surprise if I were to tell you all that pursuing an artistic career such as painting does not exactly equal riches, or any form of financial stability for that matter and even if I were to sell one painting a day I would never cover the hours of work I’ve put into my practice. It’s a career path that requires great financial sacrifice and redefining of what the word ‘success’ personally means to me vs what everyone else might like to tell you. Yet artists and artworks are so often sought after for donations for fundraising events to provide a unique cultural experience to their audience and provide ‘exposure’ for emerging artists and hobbyists alike. While it is great to have a platform to have your work seen on, it can be quite stressful and financially debilitating to give work away for free and to be asked so often – ultimately to help others in need when many artists themselves are struggling to pay their monthly bills. So rather than allowing the overwhelming number of requests for artwork donations to get me down, I decided to take matters into my own hands and find a happy middle ground.

​Knowing there are so many incredibly selfless people in this country working hard for very little personal gain to help raise money for any number of individuals, groups, causes and crisis in our communities, the thought of choosing which ones to donate to and which to knock back - is too difficult a task. I have had to say no to many many requests for my artwork, which upsets me but also helps me keep it real, because yes I’ve got bills to pay like everyone else and I choose to pursue a career that sees me earn far less than I could in my previous career as a teacher.  But I want it to be noted that creatives are often the first individuals to get asked to give their work and services away for free. Something many tradespeople for example, wouldn’t be expected to do. I see this as an opportunity to educate well-meaning-people and organisers on one simple point. If an artist is already donating a large amount of work and time to fundraising efforts, don’t assume their buckets are bottomless. In fact you can rest assured their limits have likely, already been exceeded. And this blog post also intends to spread that message further.
 
For this series and personal passion-project, I wanted to learn about the charities and NFPs closest to the hearts of the women I chose to paint, the women who inspire me! By donating a portion of my artwork and print sales, I was still able to pay it forward in a bunch of different directions while covering most of my own costs. It also means that I can tell you all exactly where I’ve chosen to direct my donations for the next few years, so it won’t hurt so much when I tell the next curious person seeking artwork donations that I have in fact reached my quota. And proudly so! Please know that I write this all with love and hope it helps many to consider new ways and means in which to fundraise for your own passion projects in the future. 
 
So it is with endless thanks to the beautiful and generous collectors of five of my originals and the purchase of up to twenty of my limited edition prints over the past 18 months and winning bids from the opening night silent auction event for the gorgeous donations of dresses from Australian fashion label ‘Mister Zimi’, a handbag and purse donation from ‘Marimekko Australia’ and the stunning Australian made scarf from ‘Letitia Green Designs and framed artist prints from Left Bank Gallery’...
the total amount of money raised from this series so far, is; $5130.
 
The six charities and NFPs to receive donations (and beautiful humans to nominate each) from this total amount are:
 
The Starlight Children’s Foundation – received $1400 – nominated by ‘Mister Zimi’.
Beyond Blue – received $1275 - nominated by Letitia Green Designs
Sisters Inside – received  $240 – nominated by Amrita Hepi
Queensland Program of Assistance to Survivors of Torture & Trauma – received  $780 – nominated by Charmaine Idris of ‘Diva Headwraps’.
Redland’s Centre for Women – received $760 -  nominated by Maryann Talia Pau
Cure Brain Cancer Foundation – received $675 – nominated by Tamara Armstrong in memory of our friend Rebecca Fletcher.

​There are still seven remaining original works from my series and six remaining charities and NFPs that were nominated and have not yet received donations from this fundraising endeavour, therefore I would like to continue to raise funds for each of these organisations in the 2018/2019 financial year. 20% of all limited edition print sales of the following portraits will be donated to the corresponding organisations at the end of the next financial year if purchased directly from my online shop:
 
‘Rainbow Dreaming – A portrait of Aretha Stewart’ Raising funds for AIME Mentoring.
 
‘The Art of Giving & Receiving – A portrait of Ellen Stapleton’ Raising fund for the ‘Indigenous Literacy Foundation’.
 
‘The Water – A portrait of Waveney Yasso’ Raising fund for the Puuya Foundation 
 
‘Embrace – A portrait of Michelle Law’ Raising funds for Rare Cancers Australia.
 
‘Inshallah – A portrait of Yassmin Abdel-Magied’ Raising funds for Youth Without Borders.
 
‘Centennial Kim – A portrait of Kim Leutwyler’ Raising funds for The Global Women’s Project.

​I’d also love to take this opportunity to thank and publicly acknowledge the amazing and supportive staff at Left Bank Gallery, who kindly negotiated their commission % to make it possible for me to not only have a beautiful and professional gallery space to exhibit my series in, but also to make it possible for me to donate the money from the sales that I have been able to. Being a self-represented artist is no easy feat and any attempt to put on a solo exhibition comes with a lot of upfront costs and challenges. It’s a financial risk and there are a lot of factors to be considered and details to be accounted for, and if I didn’t have the right space and team of supportive people to work with from the start - and be able to exercise the amount of control and ownership that I was granted, then I can confidently say that my exhibition would not have been the positive success that it was. Thank you so much to Toby for inviting me to have this exhibition at Left Bank, thank you to Milly for the endless email threads, phone calls and meetings to plan the many events and marketing endeavors that you did for me and thank you so much to Jules for seamlessly scanning and colour testing all 12 of my portraits with so much care and attention to detail. Thank you to Bob and Sandra for always providing me with the warmest welcomes, words of support and willingness to help out anytime I came asking and especially when I didn’t. It is truly a rare thing to find such an incredibly friendly and professional team of people in the one building and you are all so wonderful and very much appreciated by me!
 
To everyone who purchased a ticket to come along to the International Women’s Day Creative Immersion Day and to the amazing crowd of people that travelled from far and wide to celebrate this long awaited event with me on the opening night, I can’t thank you enough for making both events so very special. I shared so much of my heart in the words I shared with you all and I truly felt that you all saw me, heard me and sent the love straight back. I’ll never forget the warmth and connections and smiles I personally witnessed happening between you all as well, my artistic peers, my family, my friends, my greatest supporters and the gorgeous friends you brought with you.
It was truly magic!
Tamara x

To watch the beautiful video captured by Chantal Keegan click here. 

For the complete album of stunning images by River Hazel taken on International Women's Day, click here.

And for all images from the opening night taken by Daniel Snare, click here. 

When I first had the idea of asking Faustina if I could paint her portrait, I wasn’t exactly sure why it felt right, but I did feel compelled to ask. I only vaguely knew her face from her ‘TV Hits’ days and more recently started following her on Instagram after seeing her ‘coming out’ announcement via social media two years ago on her 31st birthday – which was shared by our mutual friend Sarah Wilson.
​
Faustina’s announcement read: "As black as my skin, as Chinese as my blood, and as Australian and British are my nationalities, I'm also a proud Gay Woman. Most importantly though, I'm a happy human being."
​
​Accompanying the words was an image of Faustina sitting beside this giant rainbow birthday cake that had sparkly flames, like mini fireworks streaming out the top of it. Her face in the photo just radiated sheer joy. It was one of those images you instantly see and just cannot help but smile. The image was shared on instagram and Twitter by quite a few people I followed and I just felt so overwhelmingly happy for her. 

I started following Faustina via social media and noticed how joyous, optimistic, upbeat, interesting and fun her posts and images were. She seemed to me to have a somewhat child-like innocence about her, baking fun cakes and making cute craft and always beaming a gorgeous gratuitous smile. She shared different things she was learning about the civil rights era while travelling around different parts of the U.S. and I particularly loved one of her posts about finding an amazing lady who showed her how to properly care for her Afro. 

After completing my portrait of Yassmin Abdel-Magied last year to try my luck at the Archibald Prize for the first time, I knew I was hooked on the process and connection that portraiture brings with it and I would need to start thinking about a potential sitter to ask for the following year (2017). Now I can’t recall which instagram post it was of Faustina's that sparked my idea of asking her but I think we came close to meeting when I was in Melbourne and she had replied to one of my comments asking if I was still around. Unfortunately I had already flown home after a quick trip for the opening of the ‘Trailblazing Women of Herstory’ exhibition. But shortly after that, close to the very end of 2016, I sent her a private message on instagram (because I couldn’t seem to find an email address for her) telling her about my art practice and asking if she may consider being my sitter for the next Archibald Prize entry. To my absolute delight, I did eventually get a response from Faustina and on new years eve of all nights! She only found my message in her requests that day and she also wrote some really kind words about my artwork and style and despite feeling 'not worthy' enough to be painted for the Archibald Prize, she was willing to chat more and gave me her phone number. I was STOKED! And very excited to talk with her and find out more about her.
​
I called her later that week and talking with her was easy. Faustina has a way of making you feel relaxed and on an even playing field, she is an incredible listener and a very deep thinker. She has an amazing way with words and I remember thinking ‘Whoa! This lady is super intelligent!’ We ended up chatting for over an hour, I told her about my practice and what it is I seek to portray through my work and she told me the incredible story about how she came to work with Oprah, a life long goal she had actively pursued and feared might never be possible, only to have it virtually be placed in her hands soon after she almost gave up. I was so moved and inspired by this story and how things really do come around full circle and often when you least expect it.
​

​The next incredible thing to happen during our chat was to find out that Faustina has family not so far from where I live. I had every intention of flying down to Melbourne to make it possible for us to meet and have a portrait sitting, but Faustina told me to hold that thought as she had been planning to be up this way in March to meet her newest nephew. It seemed too easy at this point and just felt right. Sure enough after a few more chats on the phone and some texting back and forth, we locked in a day to meet and Faustina even found an amazing dress to wear especially for the sitting. She had previously seen and fallen in love with this Marimekko dress and figured this portrait was the perfect excuse to get it. When she sent me a photo of her wearing it at the Melbourne Marimekko store, I was so excited to not only paint her, but also to paint this beautiful rainbow dress. Shit was getting real!

​I continued to absorb that day, Faustina’s words and her appearance for the weeks that followed. We chatted and I text her as questions popped up in my head, in the hopes of finding a really obvious answer as to how I should portray her. Silly me!

Ideas came to me and for whatever reason I kept fighting them. I knew this portrait was going to be a surprise, but I had no idea how much it would challenge me - and before I even put paint to canvas. I narrowed down my ideas to just a handful and wrote out pros and cons for each. I tried to turn my head off and just dive in, by starting on a blank canvas despite feeling really conflicted and not quite right. As I started putting paint on the canvas, I noticed that it literally felt as though the canvas was rejecting me. The paint was not flowing and I felt at war with the brush, the paint and the canvas. It was a first for me and super strange to even write about it now. It doesn’t seem possible that a canvas could reject you, but that’s the only way I can explain how I felt.

I ran away from the painting after less than an hour in and I went back to the drawing board. I was totally grasping for an idea without knowing what I wanted exactly. I told Faustina I was struggling and she offered to Skype with me in case it helped to chat while seeing her face. It totally helped, and I asked her more questions and shared my doubts and fears about the work with her. She kept me calm and redirected my fear and we talked about loads of inspiring creative people and their greatest lessons and most profound experiences that occurred when making their art. It was just what I needed to hear and our chat gave me a window of openness to return to the painting I had started.

I tried to push on, but I just knew the painting wasn’t right. So I called up my framer and ordered a whole new canvas in a totally different size and layout. I felt certain this would be right, despite not fitting a traditional portrait layout. I sketched out a new idea and pulled together some photographs from our sitting. I ran them past my husband Matt that night and he helped me see what I was fighting from the start. He went for the idea that spoke the most to him, despite knowing it was not in any way what a traditional portrait might be defined as. This was what I had initially been drawn to myself, but I let my rational brain talk me out of it and I doubted my gut instinct.

​With new eyes and a promise to myself to just trust the process, I launched myself at the fresh canvas. It was still challenging me and that nasty doubtful voice in my head wouldn’t shut up, but at least this canvas wasn’t rejecting me the way the first one seemed to.

The best way I can explain the two months of painting this work is to liken it to a tug of war! The harder I tried to ‘fix’ it and take control, the more it was resisting to be changed. I ended up painting Faustina’s entire face five, six or seven times over. I lost count! I spent days forcing myself to stay with it and push through and not run away, but I just felt as though I was painting around in circles, completely unable to get her face right. It didn’t look like her. The expression on her face was so sad and scared and everytime I saw the sadness, I too felt more scared.

​See for yourself in these progress shots below. I didn't want anyone to see these, because I knew how wrong they were. I kept them though, because I hoped I'd finally get it right and when I did I thought it would be easier to look at these photos and remember the challenge I faced with getting that emotion right. Goes to show you really can't hide how you're feeling, when you present at the canvas with a brush in your hand!

​I took a few days off to escape it, I had a few remedial massages and three acupuncture sessions because all of the pressure I was putting on myself in those months was leading to physical pain, fatigue and a few other bizarre auto-immune reactions I’m not unfamiliar with. I needed to distract myself before my body suffered even more. That time away certainly helped, but I still felt anxious when I thought about how much I had left to do and how little time I had to finish it in.

A few days later, with just under a month to go - I completely hit panic stations and it came seemingly out of nowhere. I called my Mum crying and panicked and asked is she could spend a day with my daughter so that I could have a bonus day to paint. She said yes after trying to talk sense to me - and Matt, who was fairly concerned at this stage, also told me to calm down, relax and just go and paint for the rest of the afternoon. I sat in my studio as calmly as I could and thought about past occasions and techniques that had helped me see my work with clarity. I thought about all the things I’ve told my students to try when they have faced doubt with their work. I then held my iphone in front of the image with the camera setting on, using my left arm and looked only at the work on the screen, while I painted it with the reference image to my right. Because I’m right handed I had both arms up for four hours straight, taking a few breaks to stretch and then, miraculously I was able to clear my head and for THE FIRST TIME I could actually see Faustina’s face forming on my canvas.

Before iphones and the instant nature of digital cameras, artists would hold their work up to a mirror to see it clearly and spot whatever wasn’t sitting right. Something to do with the brain and seeing things in mirror image, makes it more obvious than it is when we look directly at it. Either way, I’m so bloody glad that I got thought to try it and was pressuring myself enough to persist. Mind you, all of the massages I’d had to work through my severe neck and shoulder stiffness, leading up to that afternoon - had gone to waste! But every other part of me felt more relaxed and relieved that I might actually get it right. I sat back, smiled at the canvas and said ‘There you are Faustina. It’s so good to see you”... and I totally invite you to laugh at me as you read this! Because I know how ridiculous I am. ​

​I don’t wish to share any of this out of a desire to be given pity and I’m a rational enough person to realise that I totally let my fear take control when there was no reason for me to. But for whatever reason, I struggled more with this portrait than any other artwork I can ever remember having an encounter with. I’d say that I would have abandoned or painted over many other artworks that made me feel this kind of doubt and I’ve since forgotten about those. The timeframe to have this work completed by was not going to allow me to start again and I felt far too committed to publicly give up on it. So I guess my stubborn pride and persistence dragged me across the finishing line and to now be officially in a place where I’m happy with the work and proud of what I achieved – I really just wanted to document the experience in words so that I can remember the process and reflect on it. Mind you I’m sure I won’t forget the last two painting months that easily, but it’s easier to keep things light and trust the process rather than fighting it or doubting it.
 
I’ve learnt a great deal about myself from painting this one portrait, lessons and hurdles that I thought I had already conquered. It just goes to show how easily we can let our minds complicate something that is at is essence, obvious. A friend pointed out to me during a very timely conversation; that when we try to ‘let something go’, we are still investing energy into the act and ‘trying’ to achieve something that can be quite difficult and confronting. Whereas when you just ‘let it be’ you don’t have to ‘try’ or give energy to it. You just acknowledge it for what it is and leave it at that. Let it do its thing, and carry on doing yours.  
 
Faustina also reminded me of this, with different words, different stories and perfect examples. I could not have been surrounded by more kindness, acceptance and support during these months – from Faustina, my family and the friends who happened to check in throughout the process. I was 100% safe, loved and supported while creating this work. The torture I experienced came from within, but in the end it didn’t defeat me and I’m really proud of myself for that. If not annoyed for letting it come so close.
 
When I showed the finished work to Faustina I was relieved and elated, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was worried she wouldn't like it - or worse if she just couldn’t see herself in it. Her reply on seeing the work made me cry. She adores it and she went onto explain why. She congratulated me on getting through it and thanked me for sharing the ups and downs along the way. I cried tears of relief. This work is so special for that reason, it may not speak to anyone else in the way it now speaks to me and to Faustina and to the times that have occurred during its creation – I never worried about other people not liking it, I just worried that I couldn’t get it right or even worse that I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I wanted it to resonate with Faustina, I wanted to honour all of the things she had shared with me about her life and to do that I had to surrender any hint of a preconceived idea I may have had about her.
 
When I look at the work now I see the joy, but mostly I see surprise. I see strength and courage, but careful consideration and a touch of caution. This is Faustina's vulnerability and how I experienced her. This is also my vulnerability and a new phase of growth has certainly resulted.
​Tamara x 

(Photo credit: Samuel Lindsay)

Painting my portrait of Yassmin Abdel-Magied last year to enter into the Archibald prize and countless other portrait prizes, set some new cogs in motion. I love the connection of painting a person I admire and presenting them in a light that shows my admiration and how I see them. It was a process that challenged me, taught me new lessons and inspired me to keep going. I looked back over my works and their evolution, from new styles, new subjects and new techniques and I isolated what it was that made this new portrait so prominent to me. Why did I feel immensly proud of this particular work? Apart from spending a great deal longer on it, I feel the biggest difference with this work is that I chose to paint a real, physical, living person and one that I truly respect and am constantly in awe of. While I've always painted portraits and representations of strong, bold women, many of them have been dreamt up in my mind or taken from an image that I simply liked for the pose and composition. I've often been asked if the portaits I've painted in the past have been based on myself, which I was always flattered by, but totally certain I was nothing like. The women I paint are glamourous and somewhat flawless and mostly inspired by magazine cover models. Turns out that was me failing to see how others may view me. Perhaps I was actually painting myself merged with these confident women, while unconsciously thinking I was seeing something beautfiul in someone else. It may be something I want to see, when I attempt to see myself. Either way, art is meant to make us all feel different things when we view it. It's always interesting to hear other people's interpretations.

"I​ don't want to believe that the world has gone 🍌🍌 I also don't want to leave my studio, not for awhile anyway. And now a giant thunder storm is about to hit the mountain (maybe the world, it's all very overwhelming and ironic) I can only hope this bizarre afternoon leaves a refreshing breeze and a giant 🌈 for us to all cling onto. Here's to painting strong, bold and brave WOMEN. Women who can carry us, inspire us and awaken something in us all".

And here is the original image by Amanda Fordayce for the 'Birds of Paradise' campaign by Mister Zimi.
The lovely model is is Stephanie Cherry and I just fell in love with this enire image when I first spotted it. The colours, pattern and entire composition got my attention immediately.  There is so much joy and strength in Stephanie's expression and I love the juxtiposition of luxe and glamour with a manual action. This image also makes me think of connection to place. Her clothes, complexion and expression reflect the colours and beauty of her surroundings. I personally feel connected to place and not just one. You can read this image in many ways, and see where the inspiration for the design and vibe of the garments comes from. 

There's something exotic and dreamy about a tropical destination that's linked to the idea of paradise and freedom. We might feel more in touch with nature or less connected to our everyday lives when we picture ourselves in such settings and 'holiday modes' compared to looking at an image of an office or car. I always feel more comforatble in my own skin when I'm relaxed and free of daily life contraints (ie checking emails and wearing a bra). Is that the holiday effect? Or is that what it means to get in touch with nature? To be at one with it, to feel it and immerse yourself in the calming and soothing vibes of something so naturally beautiful. I think there is definetly a huge researgence for embracing nature right now, and whether or not it's started from a home decorating trend or something more innate - I think it's a great thing. Slowing down for long enough to quiet your mind and turning off everything that keeps you disconnected from the outdoors is something we should all make a priority. I certaintly felt that happened for me when I moved to Tamborine Mountain.

Surrounding yourself in nature is a little reminder of what it feels like to be on holidays, and to just relax and be happy in yourself. Maybe it's becuase we are taking a break from the facade we feel we need to uphold in our everyday contexts. Maybe we just have less stress. Imagine if we could hang onto those holiday feelings forever! OK so we might not get much done BUT we could certainly walk around with a greater sense of self. In the mean time, we have amazing designers like Mister Zimi to help us retain those colourful holiday vibes and reminders of nature with their joyful and unique pieces. I certainly feel happier when I'm wearing these bright colours. Colours really are that powerful!
​
I hope we all find our courage to proudly wear our colours this year. Without hesitation or fear of standing out.

​Tamara x

P.S. You can see more inspirning images from this campaign at The Drifter.

Stay tuned for prints of this work. 

'Attract what you expect.
Reflect what you desire.
Become what you respect.
Mirror what you admire.'

 - Author unknown. 

These words say it all for me and I find myself coming back to them time and time again. You can break down each individual line and apply it to a load of examples for how you go about your day to day. We all desire and admire different ideas, values, people and things and so this mantra (of sorts) can work in many different ways, for many of us.

I've written a few blog posts about my own desire to really seek something from within that I've not fully realised and for whatever reason it is through painting and reflecting on the creative process that I'm able to see myself that little bit clearer. It has made the navigation to the unknown a little more structured. That desire for more meaning, more purpose and more substance was the first motivating factor, to go deeper within. Ironically I found myself searching further away at first. In hindsight, I'd say that was to gather inspiration; from others, and to witness actions and results by altruistic people who seemed to be a few giant strides ahead of me in this pursuit for substance. Even as children we look for qualities to emulate and imitate. While I believe we are all largely unique, nearly all of us would admit to modelling oursleves on someone else before making it on our own. Sadly I think some of us are yet to let go of the mold and see our own potentional and what it is that makes us unique.

I'm personally grateful to my phyical attributes (there's a sentence that took 34 years for me to write), which almost immediately prohibited me from ever fitting in any form of 'mold'. My mum still to this day enjoys telling people (yes even, strangers) that she was awarded a 'Mother of the day' award from the local radio station for bithring the biggest baby at the RBWH that week in Arpil of 82. She recieved a bunch of flowers and a printed certificate and supposedly all the midwifes and other mums flocked to the viewing area to see this giant baby. My mum has always been a little bias so I've personally always taken her recount of events with a grain of salt. Surely these 'crowds' of onlookers were also there to see the other babies. Because really, if that were the case, I must have essentially been a one 'baby' freak show.

From that day on I was always going to stand out from the 'norm', and added to my extreme height, to some I didn't look like I was born in Brisbane or even Australia, and even now at age 34 I still occassionally get asked where I come from, a question that's often not been satisfied by the actual answer, which is Brisbane. It's always followed up with "yeah, but what are you. What's your nationality? What have you got in you?" - NO WORD OF A LIE! This is a question I and many other people of some degree of colour, living in this country have been asked since we were tiny (or giant) children. For so long I just knew they wanted to know that my Dad was Samoan, mostly assuming I'm a kiwi - and so I would get straight to that, relieveing them of their burning desire to know! But then I got older, a little more educated, a little more sure of myself and that question simply won't come without a little rebuttal from me. "What am I? Well I'm was born in Brisbane and I'm Australian." What are you?" If I'm not quite up for the heat, then I'll now say, "Do you mean, what is my heritage? And the answer to that question never seems to satisfy either. Because I'm a big mixed bag of ancestoral blood!

The other reason I refuse to let this question slip by lightly, particularly when it's is so ignorantly worded, is because I'm fairly devoid of any form of cultural identity that could really go hand in hand with what people associate being a 'samoan' or even polynesian - entails. I can't speak the language or understand it, I don't know how to cook Samoan food, dance Samoan dances, I've not ever even been to Samoa and my family, for various reasons do not have that mighty, unbreakable family support system that means everyone helps everyone remotely related to them in times of loss, love and faith. Before FB, I didn't even know that some of my first cousins had been married, or had children or were equally in love with creative and artistic pursiuts as I am. So really, when I get asked 'what I am' or 'where I come' from, it's like asking me what my blood type is - a question I can't confidently answer. I always forget and frankly, what does it matter when you want to really know who someone is?

Looks can be mighty decieving and I have felt and seen the looks of disapointment first hand and on more than one occasion. When I was 21 and completing my final prac as student teacher at Woodridge State High School, I witnessed a room full of young polynesian and aboriginal high school students look curiously and almost warmly at me as I walked into their English class room. I'd been told that this practicum was going to be particularly tricky, because the school had some very challenging students, being in such a low socio-economic area and many of the students were merely coming to school to escape something I would never really be able to imagine, and for others there was just no common ground to be found with a teacher in this new country that completely seems to lack any form of 'culture'. I also got told by my supervising teacher that they might actually like me, because I was young and pretty and she suggested I tell them I am samoan (she knew this beacuse she asked me what my heritage was within minutes of meeting me), but either way she warned me I should be careful not to smile too much. It would be an open invitation to get walked all over. I don't know if many of you reading this have ever been visually assecessed by a room full of teenagers, oustide of your own high school experience - but take it from me and any other high school teacher I've met, as an adult it can either shake you or make you and they will know if they've shaken you. For the record I've never stopped smiling when I've met a new class, and yes that has sometimes been to my detriment ;)

Back to the story and the looks of disapointment. These kids were taking me in, big time. First came the question "Hey Miss, do you play basketball?" - another top five in the questions I'm most commonly asked. To which I said "no", and yes there was the first look of bewilderment plus about ten of the boys (who all had basketballs under their desks) looked like I just told them they can't ever talk about basketball EVER again. Then one of the girls asked me if I was samoan, to which I smiled and answered "yes, my dad is Samoan!" And then came the friendly smiles, something a student teacher could only ever dream about seeing on their first day of prac. But inevitably, this warm connection would end when one of the male students asked me a question in samoan and I had to shake my head and apologise that I could not speak samoan. And I swear in that second almost everyone one of those kids, even the indigenous students, looked away, shook their heads and carried on as though I was not even in the room. Just like that, I couldn't walk the talk, or talk the walk. To them, I was no different to any other new anglo teacher they'd have standing in front of them, expecting respect. Connection fizzled. 

That was a feeling I've not forgotten and it really made me feel sad, a bit pathetic and so white! To put this into context for you, I had spent the previous 21 years of my life being one of a few 'brown' faces, positioned high and always sticking out on a 6'2 frame - I never remember feeling like I was anything less, but I always knew I looked different to my mostly blonde, mostly short pals. Many people in our community knew us as the tall family, with the kiwi dad that got around in a van. My dad grew up in NZ but both of his parents migrated from Samoa and then my dad became and Australian citizen after meeting and marrying my mum. But for whatever reason, people always assumed my brother and I were Kiwi and Maori. I still get playful slegding over the All Blacks football team winning or losing a game against the aussies, which is so laughable because I hate football, have the smallest amount of interest in it and wouldn't have an actual clue what people are even talking about. And I don't pretend to know either, I'm proud of my complete lack of interest in the sport. You see the disapointment to a group of teenage islanders. This tall islander chick not only sounds and acts white, she actually hates most sports! Total fruad. Yes, I'm a coconut!

So lets get back to that desire to attract what we reflect, become what we respect and mirror what we admire. Basically to figure out for ourselves who we are and how we want to be known, because I know for all of my efforts and determination to communicate what I am, who I am and how I see myself I CAN"T EVER control how I will be seen. The little collection of stories above has proven that. It's called unconcious bias, and even now that I have the words to label it I still don't think it will ever actually stop occuring, but it does make it easier to understand why it happens, and more importantly to understand there's a need to talk more about it and make it concious so that when we meet each other, see each other and talk to each other we can question our own questions before we come across as ignorant. And yeah people can argue that the world is becoming far too PC, but that's just fear of difference and a lack of understanding, and a lack of willingness or ability to listen to anyone that doens't look, sound or think like us. And all of this understanding came into my world when I first came across Yassmin Abdel-Magied. If you don't know who she is, then you've clearly not read my blog before, or seen my paintings from this year...and that's fine, becuase you're here now! Hearing Yassmin speak on 'unconcious bias' and her amazing ability to find common ground with just about anyone she encounters, is something that strikes a chord in everyone. I could go on and on about my admiration for Yassmin...and I have here.

But what I really want this blog post to be about is the result I've had from seeking and finding amazing women to   look to, listen to and be inspired by in order to hold a higher standard for myself and how I ultimately define who I am, what it is I wish to attract, reflect, become and mirror. Time and time again I keep finding myself in the presence of such women. It continues to happen and in truth it always has, but the exciting part for me is that I'm concious of it, and I get to see what I really want to become. And what I really want to become is a confident version of myself - in my body, my mind, my voice and my actions. 

There's another great quote that I love to re-read and I think it's fitting right now:

“Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.” 
― Edmund Lee
 
Last friday night I was surrounded by amazing people who I feel so fortunate to have met and to now be associated with, these women are the hearts and minds and insatiable drive behind the 'Global Women's Project'. Their major fundraiser this year was the 'Trailblazing Women of Hertory' an art exhibition to celebrate the stories of women who paved the way for all of us today and for tomorrow. There are 39 incredible portraits of trailblazing women and each is accomplanied by a story in the words of each artist. The gala launch was brilliant, packed to the rafters and absolutely buzzing with good energy and Yassmin herself gave the keynote. She dazzled and I mean DAZZLED absoultely everyone in that room. I felt immensiely proud to know Yassmin and to watch the faces of everyone as many of them heard her speak for the first time. It was magical.

Many people came up to me after hearing Yassmin speak and wanted to know all about the portrait I had created of her. Many wanted photos with Yassmin and myself with the painting and yeah, you get the idea - it was a big boost for my ego! Women and men were coming up to me wanting to talk about how inspiring Yassmin was and this is a topic I could talk about for days. I talked so much I actually lost my voice completely by Sunday. The painting ended up selling to the highest bid of $2000 during a silent auction of 6 of the works, on the night. An amazing result that I'm still getting my head around. At one point later in the night Yassmin was standing next to me when one lovely lady came and thanked us both for inspiring her to get back in touch with who she really is and what her wider contribution has been. I immediately stepped back and gave the floor to Yassmin, I honestly believed that people were just sweeping me up in the Yassmin mania. I shirked off her praise and directed it straight towards Yassmin. Yassmin immediately shot me a serious look, pulled me aside and quietly told me to "lean in!" - she gave me the reminder that I should have given myself and often give to others. Two powerful words from one self-assured young woman, directed right at me. In that moment I couldn't have loved her more. And in that moment I regained some clarity to see myself for all that I am and what I've been doing in the process of shining a light on those that inspire me. I know I've been inspiring people too.

Thank you to the these amazing women of the Global Women's Project, who in my mind are all trailblazers and who put themselves out there to help and empower others to fulfil their full human rights. 

If you would like to support the wonderful work of the Global Women's Project and learn more about them, please click here.

If you would like to learn more about Yassmin Abdel-Magied, click here.

And if you would like to find out more about ME you can do any of the following:
Find me on instagram, on facebook, subscribe to my mailing list or email me direct at contact@tamaraarmstrong.com

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my ramblings. Enjoy these photos from my incredible weekend in Melbourne with the Global Women's Project.  
​Tamara x