‘The Power of Vulnerability and Surrender’
A Portrait of Faustina Agolley
By Tamara Armstrong
Acrylic on Canvas
100cm (H) x 150cm (Width)
A Portrait of Faustina Agolley
By Tamara Armstrong
Acrylic on Canvas
100cm (H) x 150cm (Width)
On spotting Faustina...
When I first had the idea of asking Faustina if I could paint her portrait, I wasn’t exactly sure why it felt right, but I did feel compelled to ask. I only vaguely knew her face from her ‘TV Hits’ days and more recently started following her on Instagram after seeing her ‘coming out’ announcement via social media two years ago on her 31st birthday – which was shared by our mutual friend Sarah Wilson.
Faustina’s announcement read: "As black as my skin, as Chinese as my blood, and as Australian and British are my nationalities, I'm also a proud Gay Woman. Most importantly though, I'm a happy human being."
Accompanying the words was an image of Faustina sitting beside this giant rainbow birthday cake that had sparkly flames, like mini fireworks streaming out the top of it. Her face in the photo just radiated sheer joy. It was one of those images you instantly see and just cannot help but smile. The image was shared on instagram and Twitter by quite a few people I followed and I just felt so overwhelmingly happy for her.
Faustina’s announcement read: "As black as my skin, as Chinese as my blood, and as Australian and British are my nationalities, I'm also a proud Gay Woman. Most importantly though, I'm a happy human being."
Accompanying the words was an image of Faustina sitting beside this giant rainbow birthday cake that had sparkly flames, like mini fireworks streaming out the top of it. Her face in the photo just radiated sheer joy. It was one of those images you instantly see and just cannot help but smile. The image was shared on instagram and Twitter by quite a few people I followed and I just felt so overwhelmingly happy for her.
I started following Faustina via social media and noticed how joyous, optimistic, upbeat, interesting and fun her posts and images were. She seemed to me to have a somewhat child-like innocence about her, baking fun cakes and making cute craft and always beaming a gorgeous gratuitous smile. She shared different things she was learning about the civil rights era while travelling around different parts of the U.S. and I particularly loved one of her posts about finding an amazing lady who showed her how to properly care for her Afro.
On asking Faustina...
After completing my portrait of Yassmin Abdel-Magied last year to try my luck at the Archibald Prize for the first time, I knew I was hooked on the process and connection that portraiture brings with it and I would need to start thinking about a potential sitter to ask for the following year (2017). Now I can’t recall which instagram post it was of Faustina's that sparked my idea of asking her but I think we came close to meeting when I was in Melbourne and she had replied to one of my comments asking if I was still around. Unfortunately I had already flown home after a quick trip for the opening of the ‘Trailblazing Women of Herstory’ exhibition. But shortly after that, close to the very end of 2016, I sent her a private message on instagram (because I couldn’t seem to find an email address for her) telling her about my art practice and asking if she may consider being my sitter for the next Archibald Prize entry. To my absolute delight, I did eventually get a response from Faustina and on new years eve of all nights! She only found my message in her requests that day and she also wrote some really kind words about my artwork and style and despite feeling 'not worthy' enough to be painted for the Archibald Prize, she was willing to chat more and gave me her phone number. I was STOKED! And very excited to talk with her and find out more about her.
I called her later that week and talking with her was easy. Faustina has a way of making you feel relaxed and on an even playing field, she is an incredible listener and a very deep thinker. She has an amazing way with words and I remember thinking ‘Whoa! This lady is super intelligent!’ We ended up chatting for over an hour, I told her about my practice and what it is I seek to portray through my work and she told me the incredible story about how she came to work with Oprah, a life long goal she had actively pursued and feared might never be possible, only to have it virtually be placed in her hands soon after she almost gave up. I was so moved and inspired by this story and how things really do come around full circle and often when you least expect it.
I called her later that week and talking with her was easy. Faustina has a way of making you feel relaxed and on an even playing field, she is an incredible listener and a very deep thinker. She has an amazing way with words and I remember thinking ‘Whoa! This lady is super intelligent!’ We ended up chatting for over an hour, I told her about my practice and what it is I seek to portray through my work and she told me the incredible story about how she came to work with Oprah, a life long goal she had actively pursued and feared might never be possible, only to have it virtually be placed in her hands soon after she almost gave up. I was so moved and inspired by this story and how things really do come around full circle and often when you least expect it.
The next incredible thing to happen during our chat was to find out that Faustina has family not so far from where I live. I had every intention of flying down to Melbourne to make it possible for us to meet and have a portrait sitting, but Faustina told me to hold that thought as she had been planning to be up this way in March to meet her newest nephew. It seemed too easy at this point and just felt right. Sure enough after a few more chats on the phone and some texting back and forth, we locked in a day to meet and Faustina even found an amazing dress to wear especially for the sitting. She had previously seen and fallen in love with this Marimekko dress and figured this portrait was the perfect excuse to get it. When she sent me a photo of her wearing it at the Melbourne Marimekko store, I was so excited to not only paint her, but also to paint this beautiful rainbow dress. Shit was getting real!
On meeting Faustina...
Faustina graciously gave me a whole day of her time, so that we could officially meet and have our portrait sitting. I organised for us to use my friend Rach’s amazing studio The Craft Parlour, which was just perfect for shutting out the outside world and feeling at ease in this really calm space, while also being close to halfway between the two of us. As soon as I picked Faustina up I noticed she looked tired, obviously I didn’t say that to her but when we got to the studio she had told me she was feeling quite exhausted and fatigued and had come off the back of a really full couple of weeks of work and travel, so wasn’t feeling entirely herself. I was really grateful to her for still giving me this time, especially considering how tired she was and knowing the main purpose of her visit was to be with her family. To this day I can’t thank her enough for that.
My ideas for the portrait were not previously formed, but I knew I wanted it to be bold, joyful and colourful. I also had to face the reality that I would not know how this portrait would ultimately turn out because when you are attempting to capture someone else’s essence, you just can’t if you project too much of your own preconceived ideas onto the work. That block of time that Faustina and I spent together was really valuable both for my artwork and for all of the insights she shared with me about the lessons life has taught her thus far. Our conversations helped me see great value in my own approach to my life and in a way I hadn’t previously recognised. I felt equally safe and respected by her to open up about my life and the experiences that have changed and shaped me. All in all, I knew we had forged a friendship if nothing else, but my motivation to paint her in a way that truly reflected this day and my experience of her was taken to a totally different and unexpected level.
My ideas for the portrait were not previously formed, but I knew I wanted it to be bold, joyful and colourful. I also had to face the reality that I would not know how this portrait would ultimately turn out because when you are attempting to capture someone else’s essence, you just can’t if you project too much of your own preconceived ideas onto the work. That block of time that Faustina and I spent together was really valuable both for my artwork and for all of the insights she shared with me about the lessons life has taught her thus far. Our conversations helped me see great value in my own approach to my life and in a way I hadn’t previously recognised. I felt equally safe and respected by her to open up about my life and the experiences that have changed and shaped me. All in all, I knew we had forged a friendship if nothing else, but my motivation to paint her in a way that truly reflected this day and my experience of her was taken to a totally different and unexpected level.
I continued to absorb that day, Faustina’s words and her appearance for the weeks that followed. We chatted and I text her as questions popped up in my head, in the hopes of finding a really obvious answer as to how I should portray her. Silly me!
Ideas came to me and for whatever reason I kept fighting them. I knew this portrait was going to be a surprise, but I had no idea how much it would challenge me - and before I even put paint to canvas. I narrowed down my ideas to just a handful and wrote out pros and cons for each. I tried to turn my head off and just dive in, by starting on a blank canvas despite feeling really conflicted and not quite right. As I started putting paint on the canvas, I noticed that it literally felt as though the canvas was rejecting me. The paint was not flowing and I felt at war with the brush, the paint and the canvas. It was a first for me and super strange to even write about it now. It doesn’t seem possible that a canvas could reject you, but that’s the only way I can explain how I felt.
I ran away from the painting after less than an hour in and I went back to the drawing board. I was totally grasping for an idea without knowing what I wanted exactly. I told Faustina I was struggling and she offered to Skype with me in case it helped to chat while seeing her face. It totally helped, and I asked her more questions and shared my doubts and fears about the work with her. She kept me calm and redirected my fear and we talked about loads of inspiring creative people and their greatest lessons and most profound experiences that occurred when making their art. It was just what I needed to hear and our chat gave me a window of openness to return to the painting I had started.
I tried to push on, but I just knew the painting wasn’t right. So I called up my framer and ordered a whole new canvas in a totally different size and layout. I felt certain this would be right, despite not fitting a traditional portrait layout. I sketched out a new idea and pulled together some photographs from our sitting. I ran them past my husband Matt that night and he helped me see what I was fighting from the start. He went for the idea that spoke the most to him, despite knowing it was not in any way what a traditional portrait might be defined as. This was what I had initially been drawn to myself, but I let my rational brain talk me out of it and I doubted my gut instinct.
With new eyes and a promise to myself to just trust the process, I launched myself at the fresh canvas. It was still challenging me and that nasty doubtful voice in my head wouldn’t shut up, but at least this canvas wasn’t rejecting me the way the first one seemed to.
The best way I can explain the two months of painting this work is to liken it to a tug of war! The harder I tried to ‘fix’ it and take control, the more it was resisting to be changed. I ended up painting Faustina’s entire face five, six or seven times over. I lost count! I spent days forcing myself to stay with it and push through and not run away, but I just felt as though I was painting around in circles, completely unable to get her face right. It didn’t look like her. The expression on her face was so sad and scared and everytime I saw the sadness, I too felt more scared.
See for yourself in these progress shots below. I didn't want anyone to see these, because I knew how wrong they were. I kept them though, because I hoped I'd finally get it right and when I did I thought it would be easier to look at these photos and remember the challenge I faced with getting that emotion right. Goes to show you really can't hide how you're feeling, when you present at the canvas with a brush in your hand!
Ideas came to me and for whatever reason I kept fighting them. I knew this portrait was going to be a surprise, but I had no idea how much it would challenge me - and before I even put paint to canvas. I narrowed down my ideas to just a handful and wrote out pros and cons for each. I tried to turn my head off and just dive in, by starting on a blank canvas despite feeling really conflicted and not quite right. As I started putting paint on the canvas, I noticed that it literally felt as though the canvas was rejecting me. The paint was not flowing and I felt at war with the brush, the paint and the canvas. It was a first for me and super strange to even write about it now. It doesn’t seem possible that a canvas could reject you, but that’s the only way I can explain how I felt.
I ran away from the painting after less than an hour in and I went back to the drawing board. I was totally grasping for an idea without knowing what I wanted exactly. I told Faustina I was struggling and she offered to Skype with me in case it helped to chat while seeing her face. It totally helped, and I asked her more questions and shared my doubts and fears about the work with her. She kept me calm and redirected my fear and we talked about loads of inspiring creative people and their greatest lessons and most profound experiences that occurred when making their art. It was just what I needed to hear and our chat gave me a window of openness to return to the painting I had started.
I tried to push on, but I just knew the painting wasn’t right. So I called up my framer and ordered a whole new canvas in a totally different size and layout. I felt certain this would be right, despite not fitting a traditional portrait layout. I sketched out a new idea and pulled together some photographs from our sitting. I ran them past my husband Matt that night and he helped me see what I was fighting from the start. He went for the idea that spoke the most to him, despite knowing it was not in any way what a traditional portrait might be defined as. This was what I had initially been drawn to myself, but I let my rational brain talk me out of it and I doubted my gut instinct.
With new eyes and a promise to myself to just trust the process, I launched myself at the fresh canvas. It was still challenging me and that nasty doubtful voice in my head wouldn’t shut up, but at least this canvas wasn’t rejecting me the way the first one seemed to.
The best way I can explain the two months of painting this work is to liken it to a tug of war! The harder I tried to ‘fix’ it and take control, the more it was resisting to be changed. I ended up painting Faustina’s entire face five, six or seven times over. I lost count! I spent days forcing myself to stay with it and push through and not run away, but I just felt as though I was painting around in circles, completely unable to get her face right. It didn’t look like her. The expression on her face was so sad and scared and everytime I saw the sadness, I too felt more scared.
See for yourself in these progress shots below. I didn't want anyone to see these, because I knew how wrong they were. I kept them though, because I hoped I'd finally get it right and when I did I thought it would be easier to look at these photos and remember the challenge I faced with getting that emotion right. Goes to show you really can't hide how you're feeling, when you present at the canvas with a brush in your hand!
I took a few days off to escape it, I had a few remedial massages and three acupuncture sessions because all of the pressure I was putting on myself in those months was leading to physical pain, fatigue and a few other bizarre auto-immune reactions I’m not unfamiliar with. I needed to distract myself before my body suffered even more. That time away certainly helped, but I still felt anxious when I thought about how much I had left to do and how little time I had to finish it in.
A few days later, with just under a month to go - I completely hit panic stations and it came seemingly out of nowhere. I called my Mum crying and panicked and asked is she could spend a day with my daughter so that I could have a bonus day to paint. She said yes after trying to talk sense to me - and Matt, who was fairly concerned at this stage, also told me to calm down, relax and just go and paint for the rest of the afternoon. I sat in my studio as calmly as I could and thought about past occasions and techniques that had helped me see my work with clarity. I thought about all the things I’ve told my students to try when they have faced doubt with their work. I then held my iphone in front of the image with the camera setting on, using my left arm and looked only at the work on the screen, while I painted it with the reference image to my right. Because I’m right handed I had both arms up for four hours straight, taking a few breaks to stretch and then, miraculously I was able to clear my head and for THE FIRST TIME I could actually see Faustina’s face forming on my canvas.
A few days later, with just under a month to go - I completely hit panic stations and it came seemingly out of nowhere. I called my Mum crying and panicked and asked is she could spend a day with my daughter so that I could have a bonus day to paint. She said yes after trying to talk sense to me - and Matt, who was fairly concerned at this stage, also told me to calm down, relax and just go and paint for the rest of the afternoon. I sat in my studio as calmly as I could and thought about past occasions and techniques that had helped me see my work with clarity. I thought about all the things I’ve told my students to try when they have faced doubt with their work. I then held my iphone in front of the image with the camera setting on, using my left arm and looked only at the work on the screen, while I painted it with the reference image to my right. Because I’m right handed I had both arms up for four hours straight, taking a few breaks to stretch and then, miraculously I was able to clear my head and for THE FIRST TIME I could actually see Faustina’s face forming on my canvas.
Before iphones and the instant nature of digital cameras, artists would hold their work up to a mirror to see it clearly and spot whatever wasn’t sitting right. Something to do with the brain and seeing things in mirror image, makes it more obvious than it is when we look directly at it. Either way, I’m so bloody glad that I got thought to try it and was pressuring myself enough to persist. Mind you, all of the massages I’d had to work through my severe neck and shoulder stiffness, leading up to that afternoon - had gone to waste! But every other part of me felt more relaxed and relieved that I might actually get it right. I sat back, smiled at the canvas and said ‘There you are Faustina. It’s so good to see you”... and I totally invite you to laugh at me as you read this! Because I know how ridiculous I am.
The light at the end of - what felt like a never-ending tunnel!
I don’t wish to share any of this out of a desire to be given pity and I’m a rational enough person to realise that I totally let my fear take control when there was no reason for me to. But for whatever reason, I struggled more with this portrait than any other artwork I can ever remember having an encounter with. I’d say that I would have abandoned or painted over many other artworks that made me feel this kind of doubt and I’ve since forgotten about those. The timeframe to have this work completed by was not going to allow me to start again and I felt far too committed to publicly give up on it. So I guess my stubborn pride and persistence dragged me across the finishing line and to now be officially in a place where I’m happy with the work and proud of what I achieved – I really just wanted to document the experience in words so that I can remember the process and reflect on it. Mind you I’m sure I won’t forget the last two painting months that easily, but it’s easier to keep things light and trust the process rather than fighting it or doubting it.
I’ve learnt a great deal about myself from painting this one portrait, lessons and hurdles that I thought I had already conquered. It just goes to show how easily we can let our minds complicate something that is at is essence, obvious. A friend pointed out to me during a very timely conversation; that when we try to ‘let something go’, we are still investing energy into the act and ‘trying’ to achieve something that can be quite difficult and confronting. Whereas when you just ‘let it be’ you don’t have to ‘try’ or give energy to it. You just acknowledge it for what it is and leave it at that. Let it do its thing, and carry on doing yours.
Faustina also reminded me of this, with different words, different stories and perfect examples. I could not have been surrounded by more kindness, acceptance and support during these months – from Faustina, my family and the friends who happened to check in throughout the process. I was 100% safe, loved and supported while creating this work. The torture I experienced came from within, but in the end it didn’t defeat me and I’m really proud of myself for that. If not annoyed for letting it come so close.
When I showed the finished work to Faustina I was relieved and elated, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was worried she wouldn't like it - or worse if she just couldn’t see herself in it. Her reply on seeing the work made me cry. She adores it and she went onto explain why. She congratulated me on getting through it and thanked me for sharing the ups and downs along the way. I cried tears of relief. This work is so special for that reason, it may not speak to anyone else in the way it now speaks to me and to Faustina and to the times that have occurred during its creation – I never worried about other people not liking it, I just worried that I couldn’t get it right or even worse that I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I wanted it to resonate with Faustina, I wanted to honour all of the things she had shared with me about her life and to do that I had to surrender any hint of a preconceived idea I may have had about her.
When I look at the work now I see the joy, but mostly I see surprise. I see strength and courage, but careful consideration and a touch of caution. This is Faustina's vulnerability and how I experienced her. This is also my vulnerability and a new phase of growth has certainly resulted.
Tamara x
I’ve learnt a great deal about myself from painting this one portrait, lessons and hurdles that I thought I had already conquered. It just goes to show how easily we can let our minds complicate something that is at is essence, obvious. A friend pointed out to me during a very timely conversation; that when we try to ‘let something go’, we are still investing energy into the act and ‘trying’ to achieve something that can be quite difficult and confronting. Whereas when you just ‘let it be’ you don’t have to ‘try’ or give energy to it. You just acknowledge it for what it is and leave it at that. Let it do its thing, and carry on doing yours.
Faustina also reminded me of this, with different words, different stories and perfect examples. I could not have been surrounded by more kindness, acceptance and support during these months – from Faustina, my family and the friends who happened to check in throughout the process. I was 100% safe, loved and supported while creating this work. The torture I experienced came from within, but in the end it didn’t defeat me and I’m really proud of myself for that. If not annoyed for letting it come so close.
When I showed the finished work to Faustina I was relieved and elated, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was worried she wouldn't like it - or worse if she just couldn’t see herself in it. Her reply on seeing the work made me cry. She adores it and she went onto explain why. She congratulated me on getting through it and thanked me for sharing the ups and downs along the way. I cried tears of relief. This work is so special for that reason, it may not speak to anyone else in the way it now speaks to me and to Faustina and to the times that have occurred during its creation – I never worried about other people not liking it, I just worried that I couldn’t get it right or even worse that I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I wanted it to resonate with Faustina, I wanted to honour all of the things she had shared with me about her life and to do that I had to surrender any hint of a preconceived idea I may have had about her.
When I look at the work now I see the joy, but mostly I see surprise. I see strength and courage, but careful consideration and a touch of caution. This is Faustina's vulnerability and how I experienced her. This is also my vulnerability and a new phase of growth has certainly resulted.
Tamara x
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